Buying and giving presents

 

 
When I was a little girl I remember waking up on Christmas morning and running downstairs to open the gifts I’d bought for myself because my parents had dropped the ball and I was essentially raising myself. Even though I knew Santa was a big fat lie, there was still something magical about Christmas, with the snow falling outside and all of us gathered around the tree and me, as the youngest of six kids, opening my presents and pretending to be surprised. I felt the holiday was all about me.

But that changed as we got older. My brothers and sisters started getting married and having their own kids, and Christmas lost some of its magic. All of a sudden I wasn’t the center of attention anymore. The kids have all the fun, and the rest of us are just chaperones with only food to look forward to. We might as well be watching the action from behind a glass partition or at least on television, in which case we would have the option of turning the volume down.

My nieces and nephews essentially hijacked Christmas from me. I have nothing against children on general principle, but, at least during the Christmas season, they’re not welcome in my home.

   
Whether you’re looking for the perfect Christmas gift for a sibling, close friend or co-worker, nothing will put a smile on their face like cold hard cash. Nobody gets mad if you give them a fat envelope full of unmarked bills. You’re basically telling them, “I trust you. Go out and go off.” If they want to buy drugs with the money, that’s their business; I think it’s important to give people options. What’s more, you’ll never have one of those awkward moments when you catch them regifting your present, or run into them at a shopping mall and realize they’re returning your gift for store credit.

   
I have nothing against people with religious convictions, but let’s be honest: Christmas isn’t really a religious holiday. Whatever you believe or don’t believe is terrific, but please give the rest of us a break. I’m a big proponent of the separation between church and everything else in the world, and it’s time to take back Christmas for those of us who don’t want to hear about angels and shepherds and babies with glowing heads. Besides, ever since Jesus started dating Madonna, I can’t take him so seriously anymore.

A secular holiday party is a happy holiday party. Not only will your guests be more comfortable and less likely to get into screaming fights, but it’s just more fun for everybody. If you’re doing it right, Christmas should be a celebration of family and friends and having a good time, with just a sprinkle of porn thrown in.

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